I don't know what to say.
I have seen people die countless times in fictional media, and so I know what its supposed to be like when someone dies. But I didn't expect this.
I feel empty. I feel like someone who I talked to just two weeks ago should still be here. They were supposed to come and visit us in June. I don't think thats happening anymore.
At first I just sat there. I didn't know what to do: everything just stopped. I wasn't crying so I thought I should be and I played sad music to try and make it happen; it didn't.
So I walked outside my apartment barefoot and went to the top floor of the garage because I didn't know what else to do. I sat there on the top of the garage and tried to feel something.
Some people called me afterwards: friends and family alike. That made me cry. Maybe it was talking.
I was originally planning on playing video games that night, but that didn't make sense anymore. So I decided to do the one thing I know that grandpa was proud of me for:
Music
I played piano for a while and I think that helped. By that point it was 8pm. I didn't know what else to do. So I went to bed.
Throughout the week I was occupied with my internship, and I think that helped me not have to think about it.
If I remember one thing about Grandpa, it was his laugh and his smile. He was a fan of Lost and thats something else we had in common. If there's one thing I have that I consider precious from him its the piece of music that he sent me from his friend who played in the orchestra that played the music for Lost. Thats framed.
Its been two weeks.
I talked to him 4 days before it happened, and if I hadn't I wouldn't have spoken to him otherwise except from back at Christmas.
I told him about the internship I'd just gotten at HostDime and the foundation exam I just took (and failed XP).
He seemed happy.
thanks for writing your thoughts - it means a lot to me. Mom
ReplyDeleteIt has been years for me since my best friend died...eight now. I still havent had the emotional response that I thought I should have. I mean, I cried a little. But that sure as heck didnt match with what I felt...when I finally began to feel. And I dont know about you, but I have felt guilty as hell for it. Felt like maybe I didnt really love her the way I was suppozed to.
ReplyDeleteAll these years later, I guess it was after visiting her grave this past March, I realized why I have had the reaction I have had...I still dont believe she is gone. How can I have any type of emotional response when my nerves are not recovered from this cosmic surgery that cut her from my life? I realize now that I may never have that fabled breakdown...but that is ok. And Im sure shes ok with that, as well.
Michael, youre a good guy...seriously. From what Ive seen of you your grand father must have certainly been proud. You are going to be ok now matter how you.deal with this...just dont feel guilty if its not what you expect. God deals with our sorrows in very different ways. Im here if you need to talk...if that means anything.